Paul Anderson Ass Rapes the Three Musketeers

Fuck. You. Paul Anderson.

Fuck.

You.

So, we have a synopsis for the new Three Musketeers movie. Up until now, I heard that it was going to be in 3D, which did not fill me with joy, but also did not fill me with dread. Then I heard how it was going to be modernized, but in the style of Sherlock Holmes. This started to worry me. I mean, I liked Sherlock Holmes, but that was a great pair of actors with a director who had proved he could be entertaining on a good day. Paul “Soldier” Anderson? Paul “AVP” Anderson? Oh shit, this doesn’t look good.

And now it is looking much, much worse.

There’s a synopsis available. It basically tells us that this is not a Three Musketeers movie. This is a movie with characters that have the same names and some of the same attributes as the Three Musketeers, but are not the Three Musketeers.

Bringing it back to the Sherlock Holmes example, while the movie did change much about the characters, Holmes was still a private detective and Watson was still his partner, who was a medical doctor and had served in the military. Their essential characters were there, just as they were in the Basil Rathbone movies. Anderson’s film has the Three Musketeers as some kind of A-Team, a bunch of special operators that got screwed over and kicked out of the military. See, these Three Musketeers? They aren’t actually Musketeers. This is the Three ex-Musketeers.

And, buying into the same bullshit as Disney’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Musketeers from the 90s, Cardinal Richelieu has moved from the power behind the throne to an attempted usurper. WTF? Seriously, where the fuck does this come from?

Well, I actually know where this comes from: it comes from a mind too stupid to see that the power of Richelieu is greater when he can make the king do things for him, and take the blame for those things, while the Cardinal remains the unsullied power behind the throne. That was the great part about the Cardinal.

And when you are bringing this movie to the screen, you have to do it better than Richard Lester’s the Three Musketeers. Seriously, it’d be like re-making the Seven Samurai as a cheap FX Star Wars rip-off. Yes, someone did do that. Yes, it was campy fun. No, I don’t think this one will be fun. I think this will be Peter Hyam’s the Musketeer. Forgot that one, did you? Wish I could.

So, to be succinct: fuck you, Paul Anderson. Fuck you in your stupid ass.

You can find the bad news here.