So, very sick family ensured that I would miss SurvivorCon. I can’t tell you how saddened I am about that, especially since it sounded like such awesome fun. Honestly, I was kind of depressed all weekend long, thinking about the gaming coolness I was missing. In order to try to make myself feel better, and maybe get some kind of gaming/fantasy fix, I decide to crack open my copy of the Sword and the Sorcerer, a super-cheesy fantasy film from the 80s.

I couldn’t finish it. Not at all. I got about 30 minutes in and then just had to shut it off. I remember it being cheesy, but it was beyond that. Yes, it was bad. Really bad. Can’t enjoy it on any level bad.

It’s funny, because I re-watched Krull a couple of years back and still enjoyed it. Of course it’s not very good. I’m not going to say it was bad, because that is now reserved for the Sword and the Sorcerer, but of my nostalgic 80s fantasy movie trips, it was one of the better ones.

The best of them is Dragonslayer. It doesn’t have the level of action and adventure that most of the others have, but it has a much stronger story, characters, and a kick-ass Dragon vs. Wizard showdown at the end. It really built up to its climax. And you know what? Vermithrax Pejorative still stands up today as a great movie monster.

Ladyhawke would be the best, except for that goddamn, stupid synth-pop soundtrack. Seriously, who the fuck thought that was a good idea? Well, I suppose it could be done, because I actually really like Toto’s soundtrack for David Lynch’s Dune.

Stop laughing. It’s good.

Shut up.

Shut your stupid face.

Anyway, the Alan Parsons Project is apparently no Toto . . . or really a soundtrack artist of any note. Ladyhawke has a great story, amazing acting, wonderful characters, and some cool action. It would be the absolute pinnacle of 80s fantasy, but I can’t get through the fucking music.

Can we get a cut of Ladyhawke with a new soundtrack? Please?

And I can’t talk about 80s cheese fantasy without Hawk the Slayer. If you are a fantasy RPG geek like me, and you haven’t seen this, find it and watch it. It is bad, but bad good. It is what I thought the Sword and the Sorcerer would be. It is stupid, but the action is great and the inspiration for gaming is soaked into it. The mindstone sword, the repeating crossbow and the dwarf with a whip all way out-cool the silly, three-bladed monstrosity Talon gets.

And where are the cheesy fantasy movies these days? Sadly lacking, I’m afraid. I can think of two off the top of my head that I will watch again, and have watched a couple of times each.

The first is the Scorpion King. This is as close in spirit to the 80s fantasy movies I loved as a kid as I expect anything is going to get. It also has a much better cast and much better production values than the vast majority of the 80s movies. Dwayne Johnson AKA the Rock has real screen charisma, and I hope someone figures this out and starts using the guy.

The second is Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God. This is so much better than that absolute piece of shit Dungeons & Dragons by Courtney Solomon that it actually allows me to forget the incredible hackshittery of the first movie. D&D2 actually understands that D&D is about a group of characters, each a specialist with specific skills that are called upon during the adventure. It also threw in tons of references us D&D geeks would catch. Like Hawk the Slayer and Krull, it’s not great, but boy does it scratch that fantasy itch.

Given the current state of film technology, I would have hoped that the Lord of the Rings movies would have birthed another renaissance of cheesy fantasy movies, but no such luck–unless I’m just missing them all.

From the world of “are you fucking kidding me?” comes the movie Battleship. Now, having a movie based on that particular game in and of itself is kind of a WTF decision, but in a recent article, we learn that the movie is going to be about “an alien invasion at sea.”

Whiskey. Tango. Fuckin’ Foxtrot?

Yes, because an intrinsic part of the success of the game Battleship was the alien menace that always seemed to consume one’s destroyer just before you called out “A-5!” Methinks some screenwriter spent too many days in the park, playing Battleship by himself, and watching the ants carry away the restaurant mints he used in place of the ship pieces he had lost.

And a $200 million budget? Or you kidding me?

Hey! Studio execs! Over here! Listen, don’t bitch to me about how piracy is ruining the industry when you pump $200 million into a shit-stupid project like this. Are you telling me there are not 4 other scripts out there that could all be made for $50 mil, that could make a profit? Because I got news for you—those $50 mil action scripts? In Hong Kong they’ll film them for $5 mil, and make a better movie, and make more money.

It’s not piracy that’s killing Hollywood, it’s Hollywood.

The article referenced above can be found here.

Comic Book Movie has pics of the final design for Kilowog from the upcoming Martin Campbell/Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern movie. It looks pretty cool. The question is, will we have Gollum or Jar Jar? Gollum—for me—integrated seamlessly into the movie. I totally believed in his actual existence. Jar Jar was an obvious CGI addition to me.

It may have been the quality of the films more than the technology, I don’t know, but I really hope Kilowog (and any other alien GLs we get to see) are more Gollum than Jar Jar.

And even more than obvious CGI-ness, let’s hope he doesn’t resemble an offensive racial stereotype.

Yes, Jar Jar, I do mean you.

You can’t see the pic at Comic Book Movie, but it is still available at Screen Rant. For now.

It seems that John Woo may be back to form. Anyone who has seen the outstanding Red Cliff will know that Mr. Woo’s most recent movie is both astounding and from China. Woo left Hollywood, and I am very glad he did.

Now here’s news on another movie coming out of China, with John Woo as producer and co-director. This one looks like a period actioner, possibly wuxia, but I didn’t notice any wirework in the trailer. It’s called Reign of Assassins, and includes Michelle Yeoh (oh yeah!) and Jung Woo-Sung (the Good, the Bad, and the Weird). It looks pretty good.

Chances of me seeing it in theatre? Nil. Chances it’ll get wide release in Canada? Nil. Chance it might come to a repertory cinema near you? Hopefully high. I’ll definitely find this one and check it out.

The article from Twitch, including trailer, is here.

The IMDB page is here.

Edgar Wright is pretty much a golden boy. I haven’t seen Scott Pilgrim yet (and likely won’t until it hits DVD), but everything I’ve read about it make me think cool! So Mr. Wright talking some Ant-Man movie is pretty sweet.

Seems there’s a second draft of the script in the works, Wright has been a fan of Ant-Man for some time now, and he sees it as a “high-tech spy heist film” with a “bad-ass secret agent.”

Huh.

I was kind of hoping we’d get something like the Irredeemable Ant-Man, though I guess that is still possible, especially since Mr. Irredeemable (Ant-Man to his friends) is now on the Secret Avengers, doing black-ops type stuff.

I do think that if Wright does deliver an Ant-Man film, it’ll be hot. However, I prophesy that I probably won’t see it until it hits DVD—unless it’s released after the time that my second daughter hits kindergarten. That’s when I start to take my life back.

Maybe.

The Vanity Fair article with Edgar Wright can be found here.

Information on Ant-Man at Wikipedia, here.

And the Iredeemable one himself, Eric O’Grady, here.

If you like spy or special operations stuff, I think you’ll dig Hard Graft, a webcomic. I read a bunch of it over lunch, and I’m ordering the book.

Yes, I’m going to pay for a physical copy of something I read free over the internet. Why would I do that? So Peter Vine et al continue to put it out.

You can find Hard Graft here.

A new review has appeared of On Spec issue 79, the one that ran “For Simple Coin.”

I wish I could claim this was a big, long loving review of my story, but it’s nice just to see it considered “A solidly entertaining piece.”

Now that Dark Horizons is done (penultimate chapter posting Thursday, August 5 and the final, denouement chapter coming August 12) maybe I can turn my attention to getting some of my languishing short fiction done and sent out, if only so it can get rejected!

You can find the review here.

You can find Dark Horizons here.